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Caffeine Cull for College Coffees

Apr 01 2009 07:15
Canary
College has announced a decision to switch all caffeine-containing products to their de-caffeinated counterparts by the end of Easter.
These beans won't quite have the same kick.

Imperial College Catering have today announced drastic measures to switch all caffeine related products in College Catering outlets to their decaffeinated alternatives by 30th April 2009. The announcement comes amid new fears about the associated health risks of caffeine abuse, especially among 18-25 year olds.

The implications of this research are understandably difficult to comprehend. Caffeine is an accepted and tolerated drug that is commonly abused in society. It can be as addictive as nicotine if used incorrectly. The decision of Imperial College Catering should be congratulated and we appreciate their support in what is going to be a challenging public battle.
Dr Jo King, Department of Neurology

Caffeine is a psychoactive stimulant that produces temporary periods of heightened alertness in the recipient. Long known for its links to heart disease and diabetes, new research emerging from the Department of Neuroscience and Mental Health in the Faculty of Medicine has shown that caffeine intake could be a primary contributing factor in many of the most common neurological and mental conditions. Inferences have been made between caffeine intake and the liklihood of developing Alzheimer's, Parkinson's and Huntington's Disease. Mental illnesses including Bipolar disorder, Paranoid Schizophrenia and Munchausen Syndrome are also said to be related. The study has also highlighted alarming correlations between caffeine based products and some of the most common forms of cancer. Researchers currently estimate that the link between caffeine and cancer could be even greater than the link between cancer and smoking.

In a statement released this morning, Head of Catering and Conferences Jayne Nearly said:

"We're taking the outcome of this research very seriously. Not only do we have a duty of care to our students and customers we also have to lead by example. Imperial needs to stand by it's researchers and show our support in what will no doubt be a difficult social challenge. There is no question that smoking is bad for your health but it took society a long time to embrace this. We can't afford to face the same battle with caffeine related products when so many lives are at risk."

Student's who rely heavily on stimulants such as coffee, tea and energy drinks will not be able to buy these products from College Outlets in the run up to exams. In the return from the Easter Break popular favourites such as Relentless, Red Bull and even Coca Cola will have been removed from the vending machines and shelves while coffee and tea in all trading outlets will be available in de-caffeinated forms only. Many brands of chocolate and other popular snacks will not survive the cull with a zero tolerance policy on any caffeine product being instated for all suppliers. Medical Researcher, Dr Jo King has welcomed the move saying it is a necessary step to prevent further neurological and psychological damage to an increasingly unhealthy nation. Union outlets could see a boost in trading as a result, as any similar policy in ICU would take much longer to implement due to the time consuming democratic and bureaucratic processes.

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Discussion about “Caffeine Cull for College Coffees”

The comments below are unmoderated submissions by Live! readers. The Editor accepts no liability for their content, nor for any offence caused by them. Any complaints should be directed to the Editor.
Apr 01 2009 08:45
 

Not bad. But seriously, is it just me or have the prices of caffiene products skyrocketed over the last few years at college?

Apr 01 2009 09:10
 

It's not quite Claud's but if you want a cheap filter coffee go to Bessemer Cafe on RSM Level 3 for a 55p Filter Coffee. Only don't go when RSM lectures are on their break as the queue is halfway down the stairs.

Apr 01 2009 09:12
 

THIS HAD BETTER BE AN APRIL FOOLS!!!!

Apr 01 2009 09:40
 

Good point! I'd forgotten it was April Fool's Day! Best start thinking about what to write for this year's Live! Spoof...

Apr 01 2009 09:42
 

Remember the days when a can of Relentless cost 80p?

*sigh*

Apr 01 2009 09:59
 

Ha. Bloody. Ha.

Apr 01 2009 11:09
 

"Jayne Nearly"? Munchausen Syndrome? :o)

Here are some previous Live! April Fools for those of you who have asked:

Apr 01 2009 14:19
 

Not funny. My heart stopped for a second when I first read the title!

Never joke about coffee ...

9. spag   
Apr 01 2009 15:03
 

Nice to see the usual levels of grammatical correctness and spelling accuracy:

it's is an abbreviation of it is, the possesive form is its;

beurocratic, oh dear, try bureaucratic as in bureau for office.

10. omgz   
Apr 01 2009 15:42
 

So glad it's an April fools.

Was in the middle of deciding whether to stockpile or change uni when I realised!

11. Milli   
Apr 01 2009 16:14
 

You had me for a bit... personally I was panicking on how to sneak in Red Bull and where I could cut down to save money for Starbucks!!

12. Nik   
Apr 01 2009 16:56
 

Cheapest cup of coffee by far is the Chem Eng tea lady. 30p for a coffee. It's awesome!

Apr 01 2009 18:19
 

Apolagees for lowsy speling it was fore am in the mourning and i waz on my fivth cup of coffee trying to finish an essey.

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