Imperial College Union's Sabbatical team have today tested whether or not the members of the Union's Council - the main committee for policy-making in the students' union - by submitting papers with "joke" points.
ICU President, Ashley Brown, wrote:
We have been having considerable problems managing the foliage in the quad. Although the grass was kept under control by plonking a marquee on it, the bushes continue to grow. In order to reduce our maintenance costs, we will be purchasing a goat which will be allowed to roam the quad and ensure the grass and bushes remain a sensible size. Should we encounter funding problems in the future, this may form the basis of a petting zoo to raise additional cash.
Deputy President (Clubs and Societies), Jenny Wilson, has written into her paper:
I think we might spontaneously start some more clubs though, because we haven?t really got enough. My predecessor thinks we should start the Summer Holiday Adventures club because she thinks there aren?t any other exciting, fun things like this at Imperial. and my pretend secretary believes that we should also start Lad soc. While there are implications on the Equal Opportunities policy we thought we could open up its sister club, the premenstrual stress club which would focus on duvets, chocolate ice cream and Hugh Grant movies. My only misgiving is that perhaps this should be under the remit of the Deputy President Welfare. The communications and sponsorship co-ordinator requests the Students with pets club which would tie in well with the President?s estates management plan.
Deputy President (Finance and Services), Danny Hill, presumably joked:
The Union Bar has been the home to many a stalwart drinker and ardent socialiser over the years and has become the popular choice for students, lecturers, staff and the public. The Union Bar will be 53 years old on January 12th. To celebrate this landmark birthday, we have decided to re-instate some of the old traditions of the Union Bar. From December 1st to January 12th, only male imperial college members will be allowed to enter the Union Bar as was the case some 30 years ago. Female members will only be able to use the facilities in da Vinci?s and dB?s. The fireplace in the Union Bar will also be restored to allow sports teams to toast marsh mellows on sports nights.
Deputy President (Welfare), John James, has written:
S.H.A.G. week was on the 9th to the 13th November. Unfortunately due to a lack of funds we?ve not been able to put on the best S.H.A.G. week this year. In fact such were the budget cuts that we?ve been unable to hand out condoms and have had to resort to oral contraception. The way this works is that male students ask female students to sleep with them and the female student says no.
Deputy President (Education), Jon Silver, has also added a joke to his Council report. Unfortunately, we found it very difficult to establish which of the many interesting points in his paper was the joke. Thankfully, we've narrowed it down to this one (with a bit of help):
In the latest Academic Staff Welfare Forum, the issue of students with bad breath was discussed and it was minuted that the poor conditions which many academics were working under are exacerbated by students who just don?t clean their teeth. They have drafted a proposal to be presented to next Senate of some changes in academic and admissions regulations, of which the most pungent point was that it was necessary to introduce a breath examination in the summer for all undergraduate students, with a pass mark of 40% as usual, where a pass is necessary for progression/graduation. It is very likely that this will be approved at Senate. I, however, believe there are some serious issues surrounding this proposal, hence I will be proposing an amendment obliging Personal Tutors to provide toothbrushes free of charge (the kind with the rubbery handles) and, in the case of attractive students, offer the service of ICU sabbatical officers in this examination process.
Council begins at 6.30pm, and it will be interesting to see whether or not the Council members spot the glaring problems in the papers - or, indeed, how well Council will take them.
It has yet to be seen whether or not the "amusing" points are seen as a useful test of whether our elected reps are paying attention to the papers that they pass, or whether there is anger that the Sabbatical officers aren't taking Council seriously enough. We'll report back in the comments after Council (which begins now).
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