This morning an 11th case of Severe Traumatic Raging Revision Excess Syndrome (S.T.R.R.E.S) was discovered at the Charing Cross campus confirming fears that the spread of this disease has not been contained within South Kensington. College Health and Safety are urging students to keep an eye out for symptoms of S.T.R.R.E.S. in either themselves or each other. These symptoms include babbling incoherently, self harm (usually in the form of repetitive impact of the cranium upon a solid object), hair loss and an unusually high desire to watch trashy television shows. Imperial College Union have denied that Student Activities Assistant, Sam Sharpe is suffering from S.T.R.R.E.S., as President Sen Ganesh explained "He always babbles incoherently".
All 11 suspected cases of S.T.R.R.E.S. have been quarantined in padded rooms away from any sharp objects whilst they are treated by specialists. One such specialist, Dr Scott issued the following statement; "Many students are understandably, extremely concerned for their friends' well-being. I'd like to reassure that they are receiving the best possible treatment including the latest phamaceutical developments aimed at the treatment of S.T.R.R.E.S. such as beer, jelly and ice-cream and Dangermouse videos." College H&S reject claims that these quarantine measures are excessive or even 'draconian'; "S.T.R.R.E.S. is a nasty disease with serious consequences that is suspected to be more contagious than S.A.R.S. We have been implementing several precautionary measures since receiving reports of the first case on S.T.R.R.E.S. on Wednesday morning". They advise that all contact with a person showing any symptoms of S.T.R.R.E.S. should be made through a protective P.V.C. suit [see photo].
The first case of S.T.R.R.E.S. was discovered in the South Kensington campus central library. 3rd year Civ. Eng. student, Colin Tamworth had been revising there on Wednesday morning when was suddenly taken seriously ill. Close friend and colleague, Simon Wilson said "Colin had been behaving strangely all week, hiding away in his room, talking to himself but what concerned me most was that he'd started doing housework. I came home and the bathroom had been cleaned. It was quite a shock. For a minute I thought I'd gone into the wrong house by mistake!". Simon expressed concern for his friend and said he hoped there wouldn't be any permanent damage.
The temporary insanity caused by S.T.R.R.E.S. can sometimes lead to permanent damage. One previous sufferer who would only agree to be interviewed on top of the Union roof whilst wearing a duck on his head remarked "The consequences of this disease are horrific. I was fortunate to escape with only minor mental damage whereas others such as Felix Editor, Will Dugdale were not so lucky.". S.T.R.R.E.S. is also known to trigger excessive work which in severe cases may lead to a first class degree. One student reacted with horror to this prospect; "I'm glad they've quarantined these people. I would hate to end up with a first. My parents would disown me, my employment prospects would be ruined and I can't even imagine the impact it would have on my social life! They need to find out what causes this terrible disease and stop it now!". Experts are at present, unsure of the exact causes of S.T.R.R.E.S., however there is strong statistical evidence that working hard for long hours is a contributory factor.
When asked if she thought the large work demands placed on Imperial College students particularly approaching exam time might be contributing to the increase in S.T.R.R.E.S. Dean of Exams, Prof Anne Ity replied "Finding the cause of this terrible disease is of utmost importance is a major concern for us all. The possibility of biological warfare must not be ruled out and in these times of adversity we must all be on our guard against the threats posed by terrorists from the Middle East, Ireland or Bethnal Green". Police however released Bethnal Green resident and 2nd year Elec. Eng. student, John Williams from questioning late last night. A police spokesperson said "The evidence found in Mr William's possession of a bag of hula hoops and a video recording of Saturday's episode of 'Reborn in the USA' was deemed insufficient to detain him further".
Students are advised to notify College Health and Safety immediately if they or a colleague appear to be showing symptoms of S.T.R.R.E.S.
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