Live has discovered that the Union?s long-serving, loyal goldfish has been forced to suffer the indignity of complete anonymity. The goldfish in question has provided a friendly and welcoming first contact for students coming into the reception for many years now. As well as the humiliating anonymity the goldfish has recently suffered a double bereavement. One of its two colleagues died last August whilst the other mysteriously disappeared a few weeks ago. The precise cause of these tragedies is unknown with the only available comment from Union sources being ?One of our goldfish is missing?. Whilst the suggestion that these two goldfish committed suicide after suffering long years of namelessness might be considered outlandish by some, it must be asked why the Union has taken such care to name lumps of metal such as Mike (the micrometer), Spanner, Bolt, Jez and Bo? yet does not care to name living, sensible creatures such as goldfish.
Faced with Union inaction to this outrage Live! is pledging to take the initiative and rectify the situation. Permission has been granted by the Union President to name the goldfish by public vote on Live!, President Arif pledging his full support with the statement ?Er okay. If you feel you must?.
We are therefore inviting you all, the people of Imperial College Union, to make suggestions for the goldfish?s name via a discussion reply to this article. The 5 best names will be selected using a stochastic process based on a Gaussian distribution. A Live! poll will be used to select the final name from these 5 by process of public vote. This is not the first time that Live! polls have played a crucial part in history. The City and Guilds Munkey was christened ?Francis? in this manner. Francis is said to be very happy with his name and is now living with Theta in Tenerife.
When told of the idea, the Union goldfish showed its enthusiasm and gratitude by swimming up to the glass wall of its tank and kissing it repeatedly.