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Slave Auction Madness in the JCR

Feb 20 2004 20:50
Tom Elliott
On Thursday, C&G held their annual Slave Auction, a riot of counter-bidding and obscure antics, all in the name of raising money for RAG. This year’s unofficial theme was leg-related nudity
Ed Piggott enjoying some sausages

This Thursday, the folks at City & Guilds once again put a series of unsuspecting (and some suspecting) individuals up on the block for the Slave Auction.

At 12.30, an eager cluster of punters sat in the JCR clutching their cash in anticipation of purchasing a friend, enemy or complete stranger to do their (possibly evil) bidding. After a slight initial problem with the sound system, C&G Vice President (Activities), Matthew Asher began proceedings by calling up the first lot.

First on the auction block was none other than C&G President, Shrenik Patel. Bidding got off to a flying start with Equal Opportunities Officer, Edward Piggott, and Union President, Mustafa Arif, shouting counter-bids galore. This battle came to an abrupt halt when Mr Patel placed a £40 bid on himself but was quickly out-bid and sold for £45 to C&G Honorary Secretary, Sam Rorke.

Bidding was initially slow on Rag Treasurer, John Collins, beginning at a mere 50p from Mr Arif. This rose slowly over a number of bids from the floor, finishing with another small bidding war between Mr Piggott and Mr Arif, with Mr Collins finally selling for £20 to Mr Piggott.

Next up for sale was Sam Rorke, whom Mr Patel was quite intent on purchasing after being sold to Mr Rorke earlier. However Ed Piggott, eager to aquire a second slave, managed to pip Shrenik to the post, with a final bid of £85.50. This prompted the compere to raise a question of what the winner actually intended to do with his new, somewhat expensive slave.

After spending over a hundred pounds already, it was Ed Piggott’s turn to be sold. After initially low bids, Deputy President (Clubs & Societies), Richard Walker challenged Mr Piggott to eat 40 sausages in under 5 minutes. This inspired the crowd and a total of £50 was bid from the floor specifically for the challenge, which, incidentally, he failed miserably. After the challenge bidding recommenced for actually claiming Mr Piggott as a slave with Shrenik Patel purchasing him for the handsome sum of £45.

The next lot on the auction block was AeroSoc Chair, Jakob Whitfield. As with other lots, bidding began slowly and was quickly shifted to challenges, resulting in Mr Patel paying £15 so Mr Whitfield would sing ‘Hit me Baby One More Time’. This choice narrowly beat Mr Piggott’s request for ‘I Want to Break Free’, which was backed by only £10. The challenge was short lived, with Mr Whitfield’s knowledge of the lyrics called into question by several attendees. After which the bidding itself recommenced, won by a phone bid of £26 made by the Sci-Fi Society Committee.

After forcing Mr Piggott to try to consume 40 sausages, it came as no surprise that Richard Walker was challenged to complete the task as soon as he stood up, backed by a group bid of £50 from the floor. A valiant effort was made, employing cunning misdirection to dispose of excess sausages (“look, there’s another contestant!”, point, throw over shoulder). It is debatable however, whether or not he actually completed the task in the time available as there were a number of suspicious-looking sausages sitting under the plate after he finished. Throughout all this, bidding on Mr Walker himself continued with the RAG Committee purchasing him for a total of £65.

An impressive total of £165 was paid for Mustafa Arif, which could be attributed to his position as Union President or possibly to the fact that he really, really didn’t want to be a slave this year and he managed to walk away with his freedom intact. The same could not be said for Shrenik Patel’s bank balance as he paid a total of £190 to prevent various people having to remove Mr Arif’s trousers (Mr Patel himself included). This was on top of the £15 he paid so that the President would have his hair gelled for the evening’s council meeting.

At this point the compere noticed a distinct lack of female slaves and called Nichola Hawkins, a Wye representative, to the auction block. Determined to see at least some degree of nudity that day, the floor managed to run to an impressive £205 so Ms Hawkins would remove John Collins’ trousers. After the commotion had died down it was noticed that bidding on Ms Hawkins herself had not actually finished so Mr Collins bought her himself for a sum of £10.

Compere duties were then assumed by Mr Walker as Matthew Asher stepped up to be sold. Once again, challenges were immediately suggested, culminating in £5 being bid so Mr Asher would remove his beard, which he claimed he was going to do anyway. Whilst he proceeded to remove his beard, without the aid of a mirror, Mr Patel purchased the now semi-beardless VP(A) for £25.

Guildsman, Sanjeev Sarda was then ushered up to the auction block who held up bidding to phone a friend and establish his true value. On this advice, he purchased himself for £40.

Following this quick sale, C&G Vice President (Finance & Societies), Aaisha Latif was placed up for auction. As Ms Latif was unable to attend the event, a plastic fork represented her. Whilst still shaving, Mr Asher bid a sum of £42 for reasons he refused to discuss.

The final lot of the day was Aero Dep Rep, Sunny Chiu. Once again, the subject of trouser removal reared its ugly head with Mr Piggott offering £91 to avoid removing Mr Chiu’s. The final actual slave-related bid of the day came from Mr Patel who paid £20 to claim Mr Chiu.

All in all, the madness that ensued over the course of the event raised nearly £1200 and probably caused certain bidders to have to claim bankruptcy.

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Discussion about “Slave Auction Madness in the JCR”

The comments below are unmoderated submissions by Live! readers. The Editor accepts no liability for their content, nor for any offence caused by them. Any complaints should be directed to the Editor.
Feb 22 2004 01:55

Dear Rag,

I am insolvent.

Feb 22 2004 09:31

Those sausages we're awful!

Next time, if you want me to do something like that get some decent ones that aren't wrapped in plastic!

Feb 22 2004 11:51

Dear Mr Patel

I'm sure you can find some money from Mr Arif, considering that you saved his trousers on no less than three occasions. Though, having said that, you were very happy to up the bid for the Nichola-John situation...hmmm double standards I see

4. Nia   
Feb 22 2004 12:43

Clearly Mr Patel prefers Mr Collins's bottom to that of Mr Arif.

Feb 22 2004 19:13

As does Ms Hawkins presumably...

Feb 23 2004 15:36

Dear Rag

I have it on good authority that Shrenik sniffs solvents.

Feb 23 2004 16:02

I dont!

Feb 23 2004 16:45

Whether he does or not is irrelevant. What is relevant is that he pays. As C&G President, he must have some offshore bank account with all those tuition fees money in it...

9. Bored   
Feb 24 2004 00:24

He spends it all on cigarettes.....

Feb 24 2004 10:52

Having not seen the posterior of Mr Collins before or since, or that of Mr Arif at all (both seeming quite keen to turn down any invitations from the Wye College Men's 1st XV...) I couldn't possibly comment.

11. daz   
Feb 25 2004 13:25

hey whos the inconsiderate grinch who removed the JCR pool table?

I thought things were going to improve this year.. now the dining hall food is getting worse amongst other things... AND they only allow one sachet of sauce per person regardless of how many plates you have...

Its getting ridiculous... the lazy bastards can't even be bothered to purchase heinz mayo anymore and now all we get this watered down poor excuse for a decent french fry sauce which comes in yucky yellow packaging and tastes like flour.

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