This Thursday, the folks at City & Guilds once again put a series of unsuspecting (and some suspecting) individuals up on the block for the Slave Auction.
At 12.30, an eager cluster of punters sat in the JCR clutching their cash in anticipation of purchasing a friend, enemy or complete stranger to do their (possibly evil) bidding. After a slight initial problem with the sound system, C&G Vice President (Activities), Matthew Asher began proceedings by calling up the first lot.
First on the auction block was none other than C&G President, Shrenik Patel. Bidding got off to a flying start with Equal Opportunities Officer, Edward Piggott, and Union President, Mustafa Arif, shouting counter-bids galore. This battle came to an abrupt halt when Mr Patel placed a £40 bid on himself but was quickly out-bid and sold for £45 to C&G Honorary Secretary, Sam Rorke.
Bidding was initially slow on Rag Treasurer, John Collins, beginning at a mere 50p from Mr Arif. This rose slowly over a number of bids from the floor, finishing with another small bidding war between Mr Piggott and Mr Arif, with Mr Collins finally selling for £20 to Mr Piggott.
Next up for sale was Sam Rorke, whom Mr Patel was quite intent on purchasing after being sold to Mr Rorke earlier. However Ed Piggott, eager to aquire a second slave, managed to pip Shrenik to the post, with a final bid of £85.50. This prompted the compere to raise a question of what the winner actually intended to do with his new, somewhat expensive slave.
After spending over a hundred pounds already, it was Ed Piggott’s turn to be sold. After initially low bids, Deputy President (Clubs & Societies), Richard Walker challenged Mr Piggott to eat 40 sausages in under 5 minutes. This inspired the crowd and a total of £50 was bid from the floor specifically for the challenge, which, incidentally, he failed miserably. After the challenge bidding recommenced for actually claiming Mr Piggott as a slave with Shrenik Patel purchasing him for the handsome sum of £45.
The next lot on the auction block was AeroSoc Chair, Jakob Whitfield. As with other lots, bidding began slowly and was quickly shifted to challenges, resulting in Mr Patel paying £15 so Mr Whitfield would sing ‘Hit me Baby One More Time’. This choice narrowly beat Mr Piggott’s request for ‘I Want to Break Free’, which was backed by only £10. The challenge was short lived, with Mr Whitfield’s knowledge of the lyrics called into question by several attendees. After which the bidding itself recommenced, won by a phone bid of £26 made by the Sci-Fi Society Committee.
After forcing Mr Piggott to try to consume 40 sausages, it came as no surprise that Richard Walker was challenged to complete the task as soon as he stood up, backed by a group bid of £50 from the floor. A valiant effort was made, employing cunning misdirection to dispose of excess sausages (“look, there’s another contestant!”, point, throw over shoulder). It is debatable however, whether or not he actually completed the task in the time available as there were a number of suspicious-looking sausages sitting under the plate after he finished. Throughout all this, bidding on Mr Walker himself continued with the RAG Committee purchasing him for a total of £65.
An impressive total of £165 was paid for Mustafa Arif, which could be attributed to his position as Union President or possibly to the fact that he really, really didn’t want to be a slave this year and he managed to walk away with his freedom intact. The same could not be said for Shrenik Patel’s bank balance as he paid a total of £190 to prevent various people having to remove Mr Arif’s trousers (Mr Patel himself included). This was on top of the £15 he paid so that the President would have his hair gelled for the evening’s council meeting.
At this point the compere noticed a distinct lack of female slaves and called Nichola Hawkins, a Wye representative, to the auction block. Determined to see at least some degree of nudity that day, the floor managed to run to an impressive £205 so Ms Hawkins would remove John Collins’ trousers. After the commotion had died down it was noticed that bidding on Ms Hawkins herself had not actually finished so Mr Collins bought her himself for a sum of £10.
Compere duties were then assumed by Mr Walker as Matthew Asher stepped up to be sold. Once again, challenges were immediately suggested, culminating in £5 being bid so Mr Asher would remove his beard, which he claimed he was going to do anyway. Whilst he proceeded to remove his beard, without the aid of a mirror, Mr Patel purchased the now semi-beardless VP(A) for £25.
Guildsman, Sanjeev Sarda was then ushered up to the auction block who held up bidding to phone a friend and establish his true value. On this advice, he purchased himself for £40.
Following this quick sale, C&G Vice President (Finance & Societies), Aaisha Latif was placed up for auction. As Ms Latif was unable to attend the event, a plastic fork represented her. Whilst still shaving, Mr Asher bid a sum of £42 for reasons he refused to discuss.
The final lot of the day was Aero Dep Rep, Sunny Chiu. Once again, the subject of trouser removal reared its ugly head with Mr Piggott offering £91 to avoid removing Mr Chiu’s. The final actual slave-related bid of the day came from Mr Patel who paid £20 to claim Mr Chiu.
All in all, the madness that ensued over the course of the event raised nearly £1200 and probably caused certain bidders to have to claim bankruptcy.