With yet another elections farce delaying the results, ICU's media organisations have had enough. Media rule is hereby declared, resulting in sweeping changes to the way the Union is run.
The first change will see the current sabbatical team incarcerated in a dungeon deep in the depths of Beit, where they will be served nothing but cold coffee and forced to read their own reports every day until August.
Elections will be re-run with immediate effect, with all candidates entering ICU's very own "big brother house", a small tent in Beit Quad. Every day the student body will be invited to evict one person by telephone vote, with all profits going to a media bar night. The five contestants remaining at the end will be randomly assigned sabbatical positions: after all, they don't need to do anything with the media in charge.
Disputes with College will be resolved by printing A0 posters with photos of the evil people responsible for them, which will be plastered across the South Kensington area. Maths lecturers, known within engineering to be quite useless at teaching the subject to engineers, will all receive harsh punishment: having to teach at secondary schools in Brixton.
Felix Editor and dictator-in-chief Andy Sykes declared "the media have taken control of the union for the good of the people. continue to go about your daily business; we are here for your protection. viva la revolucion!"
Student Respect and the Socialist Worker Student Society were said to be overjoyed at the instatement of a brutal dictatorship with full control of the media. George Galloway is expected to arrive at any moment to pledge his support to the cause. On hearing of Galloway's visit the Live! Editor, soon to take delivery of his new torture devices, said merely "off with his head". stoic tv are expected to film this event, with the footage being projected onto Beit Hall before every council. This will serve as a warning against bringing stupid motions mentioning "neo-liberal restructuring", which have been copied from the Respect website.