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CGCU Executive Kidnapped

Aug 21 2008 00:13
Four Senior Union Officers will be held hostage for a minimum of ten days amid a noticable lack of outcry.
No you've not seen this photo before. These Guildsmen are grimacing as they face their RCSMC captors

Four Senior Union Officers, including three members of CGCU Executive and one ICU Sabbatical, have vanished this evening after a brutal attack organised by members of the RCS and RSM. The disappearance of the Officers, who are thought to be held hostage by the Motor Clubs of their rival Faculty Unions, has been hailed as a revenge ploy after the humiliation caused by Wooden Horse, and in particular current DPFS Christian Carter, throughout the last year.

Carter, who posed naked for Felix with stolen RSM mascot Davy, is one of the four to go missing. Early indications are that he was knabbed along with the three Guildsmen but speculation in Beit Towers has pointed to plans for Carter to relocate his office to the Faculty Building and a position more 'fitting to his stature'. This comes alongside reports that Carter wished to escape 'those pesky students and their monotonous questioning'. The other hostages are Guilds VPA, Matt Taylor; VPFS, John 'JJ' James and Welfare Officer/Live! Editor, Kirsty Patterson.

CGCU President, Mark Mearing-Smith, is thought not to have noticed the disappearance of his other senior offices due to constantly having his earphones in.

A completely unrelated and irrelevant mascot raid.

Sources close to the kidnappers have revealed that the three have been moved to a secret location near the Isle of Wight and they will be moved at an unspecified date to deepest darkest Dorset. No ransom has been demanded with threats that the trio will be faced with ten days of cruel and demoralising torture such as being forced to wear RCS Motor Club attire, restricted to facilities such as port-a-loos and being subjected to JJs cooking. Furthermore both Motor Club chairs are said to be trained experts in an ancient form of torture known as "split pinning".

The RCS and RSM Motor Club Chairmen, who wish to remain anonymous, have tonight released a joint, and utterly pointless, statement:


Live! Editor, Kirsty Patterson, managed to also release a short statement as she was dragged away to the getaway vehicle. Addressing the following to her readers, Ms Patterson said:

"Talk amongst yourselves!"

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Discussion about “CGCU Executive Kidnapped”

The comments below are unmoderated submissions by Live! readers. The Editor accepts no liability for their content, nor for any offence caused by them. Any complaints should be directed to the Editor.
Aug 21 2008 00:14


Aug 21 2008 01:03


Article that is.

Aug 21 2008 01:06

leave the comedy to felix hangman...

Aug 21 2008 23:24

I love Hangman so much I want it to have my babies. Whoever writes it has to be some sort of genius. WHO IS HANGMAN?!

Aug 22 2008 10:07

I am the Hangman

I am also the Stig

Aug 22 2008 11:30

is a great thing...

Aug 23 2008 11:11

Truly the Silly Season is upon us.

Aug 23 2008 23:01

are a great thing...

Aug 25 2008 13:52

please remove this piece of s**t from the Live! front page. it's embarrassing

10. 10   
Aug 25 2008 20:18

Seconded! This article is wank Live! has really gone to the dogs.

Aug 25 2008 20:21

This is a petition to bring back Ashley Brown and expel Kirsty Fatterson from Imperial.

To sign, simply post "Live is s**t these days" below

12. Miner   
Aug 26 2008 00:00

Christ this article is an embarrassment

An unfunny story written by Guilds hacks for Guilds hacks

I dont like the fact that RSM is quoted in this s**te article either

13. Hmm.   
Aug 26 2008 09:07

Less of an embarrassment than you lot, with nothing better to do than moan and call rude and irrelevant names from the sidelines. How many of you stood against Kirsty to be editor? How many have tried submitting a better article? And in case you haven't noticed, a lot of the people reading Live! in their summer holidays ARE Guilds hacks.

No stories? Complaints. Serious stories about college management? Complaints. Light-hearted stories to explain a week's well-earned holiday? Guess what...

14. @ Hmm   
Aug 26 2008 10:14

Actually we have nothing better to do than demand a higher standard from Live!, which I think we are quite right in doing so.

Simply because other people have not submitted serious articles does not, whatsoever, justify the existence of this one.

"No stories? Complaints. Serious stories about college management? Complaints. Light-hearted stories to explain a week's well-earned holiday? Guess what..."

You misunderstand complaints for whining, in fact they are a reasonable response when presented with manure pretending to be prose.

Aug 26 2008 10:50

"demand a higher standard from Live!"

Live!, more than anything, cannot please all of the people all of the time, and a lot of readers seem unable to accept editors' decisions to please all of the people some of the time, rather than some of the people- namely themselves, who else?- all of the time as a personal service.

16. Moo   
Aug 26 2008 13:02

Can we all stop being mean, please. Thank you.

Aug 26 2008 15:26

Nice, insult the RSM Motor Club Chair, I hope Kirsty decides to boycott all the Freshers' events this year... wouldn't be suprised seeing as you guys destroyed the floor of the truck last year.

Go and cry about something else!

Aug 27 2008 09:55

Stop your whining, all two of you.

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See Also

  1. The Wooden Horse strikes again
    13 Mar 08 | Random Rant
  2. Davy's tour of London
    22 Jan 08 | Random Rant
  3. Mercury Rises in Guilds Office
    21 Sep 07 | News

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