Whether you?re the dashing PhD footballer trying to evade the hysterical mistletoe bearing masses or the unfortunate mathematician whom nature did not have the kindness to bless with big tits, or any tits in fact, we want to help. We?re concerned and you should listen so as to avoid any embarrassing mistletoe mishaps. Putting aside the disgusting exchange of saliva and breakfasts, kissing is a fun and flirty distraction and maybe a promise of more to come.

Choosing a target: If they?re wearing a short skirt, tight trousers, low-cut top or anything which brings attention to their wibbly-wobblies, they?re fair game. No matter what other signals they give, they set their game plan when getting dressed: they want action, you give action ? result!

Getting them to the mistletoe: Try to avoid premeditation and remember the more sober the subject of your affections and those around you, the bigger the risk of failure. Tried and tested methods include backing the target into the corner, shimmying them along in the right direction whilst dancing and pouncing on them when they unwittingly wander under the foliage. If subtlety isn?t your strong point, it is permissible to carry them over to the mistletoe and start getting frisky. It is however not ok to body slam any competition out the way as they lean in for the prize. Girls can get away with a slight stiletto jab to the back of the bitch?s calf.

If they?re already passed out, and everyone else is pretty drunk, you could roll them towards the mistletoe. Second base is as far as is permissible, but if you?re one of those people with principles (eh wot?), you?ll want to wait until they come round to stick your tongue in.

Under the mistletoe: The only appropriate thing to say is ?Mistletoe!?, don?t spend ages muttering rubbish beforehand and fretting. It?s not complicated kiddos: a shower, clean teeth, nice breath, no garlic. Peasy. You might even be able to pull without the mistletoe! Offer target a piece of gum (Milli, this could be a potential choking hazard, dear ? Alice), ask their name (optional) and begin!

If you are the unwilling prey and not the predator, you need to be nimble footed. Your senses must be pricked at any yuletide gathering. You don?t know when they?ll hit and they have no shame (see above). If worse comes to worse and you?re trapped there is a final desperate act that can save you: look lovingly into their eyes, hold their gaze for a second too long and then - WHAM! - your forehead to their face as hard as possible. This method works tri-fold, it?ll put them off trying it again, it has the chance that they?ll KO and you?ll have a massive bruise on your face to ward off any other suitors. Warning, there?s the chance that you?ll pass out and yes, I distinctly remember discussing passed out hotties and what may happen to them.

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