- ENTERTAINING NAMES
The UK’s largest single employer of scientists, the Defence Evaluation and Research agency is undergoing restructuring, the majority of the organisation will begin trading as a new company on 2nd July. Following the increasingly ridiculous trend which has seen the post office dubbed Consigna, British Gas - Centrica and Anderoid Consulting – Accenture, the new company will be given the abstract name QinetiQ. The justification for the choice of meaningless and downright silly word is an excellent example of pure bullshit: “The name has been derived from the scientific term, kinetic (phonetic: ki’ ne tik), which means 'relating to or caused by motion'. This in turn comes from the Greek, kinetikos based on 'kineo' which means ‘to move’. It was carefully chosen as the outright winner from an original list of 400 which resulted from extensive analysis of all our capabilities and strengths. QinetiQ was seen as particularly distinctive and reflects the organisation’s spirit of innovation and creativity but also energy, motion and progress. It is a positive name, with expansive, bold, and assertive overtones, underpinned by a good, solid, technical ring.”
Dr Chris Towler Imperial’s Director of Strategy Development has not explicitly ruled out the Imperial College taking on a new abstract name. As always Kevin believes in Lollipops. It is thought that should a re-branding become necessary the college is more likely buck the abstract trend and opt for something which gets straight to the point, such as the “Imperial College Research Services Inc. – We Find Shit Out.”, recently suggested by a student, and is gaining popularity in some areas of the college.
- LIBRARY PROFITS FROM STUDENTS
Towards the end of last term the central library made an astonishing admission. In the course of a year they take over sixty thousand pounds in copying and printing charges. A large chunk of this money, in the region of twenty grand is pure profit. In an effort to justify this blatant ripping off of students the library attempted to claim that the extra money, which enters a slush-fund to be spent freely by the library, was very useful in paying for extra services which are not budgeted for. Examples of such services were not forthcoming, and Kevin is probably not alone in finding difficulty in thinking of a single aspect of the library’s activities which could be described as non-essential. Kevin would like to see the library funded to an adequate level which would enable it to run copying and printing at cost price.
- ICU LOSES TOUCH
The end of term carnival at the union made a loss for the first time ever last term. With just over two hundred people out of a capacity of 1200 turning up, the takings on some tills (at £13) didn’t cover the staff costs, and they were even having difficulty giving away all the free alcohol provided by their sponsors. Some people have been right to suggest double standards, between the way that ICU centrally runs its Ents, and what is expected of clubs and societies. The union would not have allowed club or society to go ahead with such an event – the plug would have been pulled at some point during week running up to the event, and losses estimated at "about five grand" minimised.
- STUDENT APATHY SOLVED
IC4Life are attempting to deal with the problem of student apathy and appear to be making a genuine effort to find out why students are unhappy with their service. As a reward for attending a meeting allow student’s to communicate their complaints about the network and telephones in halls those who attended got free tickets to an ice-hockey game, where they were treated to a corporate box and unlimited free food and drinks for the evening.
- ANALYTICAL MIND
Imperial’s Rector Sir Richard Sykes recently introduced his executive committee to a group of visitors to the college, describing a little about each person’s areas of responsibility. On coming to Dr Chris Towler Imperial’s Director of Strategy Development, Sykes reputably said: “This is the man to whom I delegate a large chunk of my thinking.” … now Kevin would quite like one of those...