So, fees are in. And I’m not quite sure I know what all the fuss is about.
I read (with some limited interest) the diatribes of the moaning masses on these pages; and can distill the ‘no2fees’ issue to a single point: the poor won’t be able to afford to come to Imperial. And, I suggest, that’s no bad thing.
Quite frankly, I’m fed up with half the students I have to study alongside. It’s not that they’re necessarily unpleasant people or intellectually delinquent, just that our social parameters are entirely incompatible.
When I’m invited out for ‘drinks’ I don’t expect to end up in a pub with absolutely no discernable merit ("Oh, but it’s so cheap!"). Of course I don’t want to go to Top Man with you. It’s your birthday, so why are going to such a ghastly restaurant? When I invite you to a dinner party, don’t turn up with a bottle of something called ‘Jacobs Creek’ that needs chilling to freezing point before it becomes near-palatable. And there are white grapes besides Chardonnay, by the way.
The prospect of fees offers some form of filtration process in the top institutions. I don’t mean to come across as snobbish, but the way the working classes have reacted to this issue has far from endeared them to me. I can do without your "Granddad was a miner" mentality, and I don’t want your ethics thrust down my throat. As I discussed with a friend yesterday, being working class is just like masturbating – although it’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s just nothing to be proud of either.
Besides, it’s surely right that you get what you pay for in life? Since the age of four, my education has been expensive. My family has paid over the odds for me to have better teaching, better facilities and sexual abuse from a better class of person. Why not the same system at university? You’ve had your free trial run of ‘elite’ tertiary education; now it’s time to shell out or ship off.
There’ll still be the budget universities around, and I’d wager you’d probably have a better time there. Everyone there is just like you – all KFC bargain buckets and Debenhams shirts. At the new Imperial, they’ll be selling us Girolles Frittata in the canteen. That’s not for you – you wouldn’t know what one is. Have you even used cutlery before?
And if you really want to come to Imperial, 10k a year is hardly impossible to find. Get a loan. Get a job. Sell your semen - £19 a squirt soon adds up. You really want to fund your higher education? A rent boy I used last year (Christmas present from my flat-mates) was a student at Goldsmiths, and he got £200 for a night’s work.
But I’d rather you went somewhere else, truth be told – we do want it to be an elite institution after all. And next time you’re round, a Pinot Blanc would be lovely.
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