Have you ever seen any of the sabbatical officers eying you up in the bar? If so then that is because the money you spend on pints pays their wages. Of course, as a student you should expect them to work as hard as you drink, so dutifully I have summarised their performance for the year.
Let's start at the bottom and work our way up, with Ben Harris who fills the highly dubious Deputy President (Education & Whinging) position. Ben has enjoyed a fair amount of success this year, by using his small stature to sneak up on unsuspecting members of college administrative staff and whisper things about "PhD pay" into their ears. Well done Ben. He has also been pretty much unopposed on Union Council, because when he gets passionate/angry he turns a scary colour and talks very fast. He has had enough of student union politics now, and plans to move back to Wales with fellow Labour card holder Alex Guite to take up Llama farming.
Next up on the Sabb ladder (oops, I mean sabb ladder, little "s") is the Felix Editor, Andrew Montgomery Sykes. He has come under criticism since apparently Felix isn't exciting enough. By this people mean he hasn't been breaking into bedrooms, humiliating students, making things up or provoking college staff to such extremes that now they want full control of all our media. When asked for a comment Mr Sykes responded "I hate you, I hate this place and I hate your face". We must applaud Andy for renewing the Felix website, which is where college staff go to get all their gossip [I disagree - Ed], hence they believe we've been rather dull this year. Hurrah! Andy is looking forward to moving on, complaining that Felix Editor is not a 9-5 job, to which anyone who has been in the Felix office at 9am can testify.
We have now reached the lofty heights of the made up position of Deputy President (Graduate Students). Ms Shama Rahman has enjoyed praise from her peers for throwing good parties. Yup, good at parties. She has come under fire for her tardiness, and defended herself by saying "why should I come in early, graduate students aren't even on campus in the morning". This angered many Masters students, but most PhD students were asleep/drinking coffee at the time and so didn't notice. Shama was offended that the other Sabbatical officers were keeping such a detailed log of when she arrived. Don't be Shama, you're the only female Sabb, and you?re pretty hot so your arrival around lunchtime is like a ray of sunshine in the lives of the other officers. Shama can now be found trying to convince people that a student volunteer Graduate Students Association chair should get paid, exclaiming, "why would people volunteer if they didn't get paid?"
I guess maybe I should slip the Medics President sexy Shiv Chopra in here, but his "s" is so little that it's not worth the column inches. So we'll move on to Deputy President (Crazy about Sports) Eric Lai. Eric mainly has been trying to ensure that Sport Imperial play fair. He has also taken great pride in letting everyone know how abysmal medics are at sport. Eric had a brief power trip when required to step in as Sabbatical election returning officer. After John Collins' dismissal he was found in Beit Quad shirtless, holding aloft one of those skinny fencing sword thingies screaming "I have the Power", presumably a homage to He-Man, not a reference to Student Activities Coordinator Phil Power. Finally Eric bravely illustrated the necessity for the "no alcohol in union meetings" rule when he authorised a boozy Clubs and Societies Board meeting. He ended up screaming at everyone, making Athletics Clubs chair Luke Taylor cry, and incoming president Stephen Brown wet himself. No one knows if it was out of fear or amusement.
It's getting serious now, as we have reached the keeper of the purse strings, Deputy President (Finances & Stuff) Sir Jon Matthews. Jon has performed his job with a dictator-like efficiency, utilising his frankly disturbing knowledge of rules and regulations. He has been teased a lot because of this, his tendency to use Latin phrases, and also because of his taste for suits that cost more than an entire years student loan. This has upset him, and he's getting his mate Prince Philip to come along in July with his missus to sort it out. Jon will be jetting off after this to manage a golf course in Thailand or something equally ridiculous like that. Or maybe he?ll finish his PhD. Or maybe he'll be elected GSA Char? Who knows, for Jon Matthews is truly a man of mystery. My money is on him packing it all in, marrying Shama and starting a new, simpler life like in that TV program "The Good Life".
And finally to our glorious leader, Imperial College Union President Sir Richard Sykes. Oops, I mean Union President Jon Matthews. Ok, ok I?ve got it, Union President John Collins. John was destined to be President from an early age. His favourite book as a child was "Forms, Precedent, Protocol and Structure in Corporation Governance". He has been City & Guilds President and Council Chair, his CV is proper fierce.
He has been tied up this year undertaking a comprehensive governance review, and boring everyone to tears with it every week. To summarise the union will be run by a shadowy conglomerate called "The Trustee Board", which comprises of freemasons, the upper echelons of student officers and a few odd students to wait on them hand and foot. It will have ultimate power, and will slowly enslave the student body via its friendly puppet the Union Council. He has also created the Union Court, an independent body of God-like beings who watch over all of our activities with a benevolent eye, gently steering us when we go wrong, and picking us up when we take a tumble. In a few years the Court and the Trustee Board will have a battle of Star Wars like proportion. Somewhere in the background John Collins will be watching, waiting to pick up the pieces. Mwuh-ha-ha.