In the name of efficiency, the internal and external application forms have been ?merged?. Thus internal applicants are asked, among other things, for a transcript of marks to date. Hang on...surely the Registeriat already know my marks?
After speaking to some very confused post graduate admissions officers the general conclusion seemed to be that, like English Language qualifications, these would not be required from internal applicants. Wrong!
I received an email (a week later than the one from the department acknowledging their receipt of the application form from the Registeriat) acknowledging the receipt of my application, and requesting English language qualifications and a transcript of marks.
The brief exchange of emails (reprinted below, recalled from memory and accurate in almost every detail) clarified the issue. Having being born in London, lived here almost continuously save the occasional trip to Zone 6 to visit France, and (nearly) completed a degree course, I would not need a language qualification. However I would be required to provide a transcript of marks:
?Although they're held here, if we had to chase them as well as deal with every other aspect of the applications process we would not get a lot done.?
Translated, what that means is ?Dance for me, Dance for my pleasure!? Perhaps you think I exaggerate? Well by all accounts it takes a week for the Registeriat to provide you with a transcript. They need to type your details into a computer. And then print out the marks. And then you have to go and pick it up. And by coincidence, the Registeriat is also where you hand in your transcript to be processed. So the important role the student fulfils in this complicated and time consuming transaction of paper is the ritual dance. This must be performed exactly to avoid the attention of the giant paper-eating monkey gods of Shefield. The student, with either hand, takes the transcript from the Registeriat official, performs a 360 degree turn, and hands the transcript back to the Registeriat official whilst chanting "Klaatu Barada Nikto" This pleases the gods of efficiency, who see to it that your paperwork is lost for the shortest period possible.
I give you the conversation in full:
- Head Bureaucrat: Ni!
- Bureaucrats: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
- Student: Who are you?
- HB: We are the Bureaucrats Who Say... 'Ni'!
- S: No! Not the Bureaucrats Who Say 'Ni'!
- HB: We are the keepers of the sacred words: 'Ni', 'Form', and ?stamp?! The Bureaucrats Who Say 'Ni' demand a sacrifice.
- S: Bureaucrats of Ni, I am but a simple applicant who seeks the PhD supervisor who lives beyond these offices.
- HB: Ni!
- Bs:Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!...
- S: Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh!
- HB: We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.
- S: Well, what is it you want?
- Hb: We want... a transcript!
- S: A what?
- HB: You must return here with a transcript, or else, your application will never pass through this office... stamped.